[365]365

[365]365, a photo by jason laucker on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
here it is.

i know it's time to spill my mind, but before i begin i just want to tell you a bit about this photo.

i woke up at 5am this morning. it was dark and cold and groggy but i managed to drag myself up despite how hard it was. my parents and i had already planned this a couple days back when we visited the same beach. we wanted to catch the sunrise, actually. my dad told me that that location was the best for catching sunrises, since there was nothing in the way, and it was facing in the right direction. we were hoping to see all these beautiful colours and watch the sun come out from behind the water. we wanted something magnificent and beautiful and spectacular and that's what i wanted to capture as well. so we left home and we drove a while down to this beach, and much to my surprise there were already so many people out and about the streets. there was only one person at the beach when we arrived. but by the time we walked to it he/she disappeared so we were left alone in the dark (and dim light) on the beach. we set up our stuff and got ready to take some photographs.

but we knew right away that this beautiful, breathtaking scene we planned on getting wasn't going to happen.

the wind was picking up so quickly, and it was freezing cold. i could even walk properly because the wind was so strong. i could tell the 'the end' sign i cut out earlier wasn't going to show, and might even be blown away or break in the violent wind. then we looked up. there were clouds everywhere. and it looked like it was going to rain. the most important part of the sky was covered by clouds and there was little to no chance of seeing any actual colour.

of course i was devestated! what was going to happen now? everything i planned was going down the drain and all my backup plans became more and more un-doable. it was a nightmare.

but then i realized. it doesn't have to be. i had been putting way too much pressure on myself for the last day. yes, it's the last day and you want to end it with a bang, it's true. but i almost lost myself by wanting to make such a big bang that when the circumstances weren't right for the photo it turned into a nightmare. i realized that this was just like any other day i had before this. the day i bought props but didn't end up using them. the time i went outside and got covered by unexpected snow or rain. every single time i walked out that door without having any previous ideas in mind and just creating something that came from within. i had actually done that most days of my 365 without realizing. i could do it. and i needed to do that.

so i did.

there is just something so beautiful about the unplanned and unexpected. i've learned that through my 365. no matter how much you want everything to be the opposite - planned and laid out and thought out - it will never happen. that's just life and how life goes. i can say that for almost all my photos ive taken in the past year, not many photos have been completely planned and thought out. i remember in some instances where i tried to do so, and it just turned into a complete mess. or there was always some kind of factor that forced you to move on and change it up no matter how much you didnt want to.

it didnt only happen in my photographs. my project really outlined my life in the past year as well. what i experienced through this project was nothing like i've ever felt before in my entire life. i know it was change for sure. change in many different ways and forms. i used to be really uptight about having to know everything and what was going to happen next and what was going to happen after that. you could say i was a lucky kid. growing up i didnt have many falls or bumps. i experienced joy and contentment more than anything. so i used to be scared of the future and scared of failure when i didnt know what was coming my way. scared of anything dark and gloomy and depressing and angry... scared of anything bad. throughout my project i came to meet a lot of the bad in life. the first few times were definitely hard, but as it went on i acknowledged it. i accepted it. later i even embraced it. i failed to do a lot of things this past year. i fell and bruised and broke and cracked and got destroyed many many times. but this is what we need to grow. you see, there is no life without bad. without bad, we wouldn't feel the good.

i guess you can see it in some photos my encounters with 'the bad'. i used to not want to upload because my photo was 'bad', or i didnt have the best day ever. but eventually at many points i stopped myself. this project was about documenting my life as well, and i wanted to keep it as real as possible. i used to have a lot of aesthetically pleasing photos that may have been so intriguing and beautiful and breathtaking in many, many ways. i always just thought that having a nice photo was the only thing that mattered. i was completely wrong. when i look back at some of those photos, i can't help but feel like im looking at something so flat, so shallow and unemotional. i just wanted to stop it. eventually i told myself it was okay to have grain, to have noise, to underexpose or overexpose. shoot in manual focus, or auto focus! don't even bother to edit this, or edit the heck out of this. i stopped caring because this all matters so little in the long run. i wanted to make photographs that triggered something in me. that made me see and made me feel alive. i dont care if it made me smile or laugh or cry or burn in flames inside - i just wanted to feel something. i wanted to remember the things that happened that day and what kind of things i thought of and felt. i wanted to keep that essence forever in a photograph. the best compliments were no longer "wow, this photo is so nice" "the colours are beautiful" or "the focus is great" - they were things like "this photo makes me feel", or "this photo just seems so real" or even silent comments because the viewer had just been staring at the photo, trying to figure out what exactly it was making them feel or think.

i dont know what life is sometimes. it's unfair, but it's fair.

once upon a time i thought that i would always keep falling and bruising and feeling bad about what i did and who i was. my posture wasn't the best. i had a lot of acne and a scrawny body. i never really had a lot of self esteem. i was bad at sports, stupid in math, scientifically illiterate, and not too fancy with english. i got upset when things didnt work out perfectly. i was scared of what people would think about my photography. i didnt think anyone would really support my photography and cheer me on. i didnt know how to approach and talk to people, and i got really awkward around people. i worried that people wouldnt like me and i was destroyed when i realized that was actually the case. these are just a few things i used to feel like and i didnt even know exactly why i was like this but i just told myself this was me and id always just be like this. i thought i would always be stuck in this dark, dark hole with no hope of being something much better and fulfilling my potential as a human being. a period of losing friends, doing badly in school and sports and music, ending relationships, being humiliated, and not reaching a lot my goals and dreams certainly did not help.

but when you keep swimming despite anything that's been thrown at you, that's when the beautiful things happen. thats when the light shines through and you see all these things you've never seen before in your life. you learn so many things you would have never learned if you'd just given up in the first place. you learn that it's okay to fall down sometimes, that it's okay to feel bad sometimes, and that every single person out there, good or bad, is battling something too. it's true. you learn to take risks, step out of your comfort circle and not be afraid of what you're falling into.

slowly but surely i tasted so much sweetness in life and experienced what made me feel happy, thankful, comfortable, confident, and more hopeful as a person. i came across people who were fine with who i was as a person. people who always helped me get through anything and everything no matter what happened. i met people who inspired me and had the ability to just walk in and pick me up and change my life for the better. i even feel like i re-met my family and bonded even more than we would have before.

sometimes i wonder if it was really this project that brought so much into my life or if it was just a part of growing up. maybe it was a mixture of both. whatever it was im surely glad i made the decision to start this project, and that i really did document my life for the past 365 days so closely.

even as i was choosing today's 365, i applied the valuable lesson of taking risks that i'd learned from this project. i had a 'safe' shot and then this one - the risky one. i wasnt sure how you guys would react to it, i wondered if it was going to be a disappointment. i wondered if it was a 'bad' shot or if it wasn't the right way to end this project. it was just so risky... so i went with it. this is the kind of attitude i've adopted so often throghout the project. and today, i used this method to end my project. it might not be the biggest bang, but it's been a profound one for me.

another thing i learned was that i had to have purpose. it showed this morning when i woke up at 5. that's something i would never even think of doing, but i got up and i did it because i wanted to get this 365 shot so badly. to me, photography needs to be steered in a direction, it really does. throughout my project i learned that with purpose, a photograph or a series of photographs can turn out so much more different than you'd expect.

and to you, if you've read everything up to here. i cant even begin to say how much every single one of you mean to me. like i said i never thought anyone would be so supportive of my work and what i do. sometimes it still shocks me a lot and i dont know what to say. for every single favourite, comment, purchased or exchanged print, or even just a view - a peek - into my life for the past year, i thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. if it wasn't for you, then i probably would not have this photo today, and be sitting here today, typing all these thoughts and experiences out and spilling my mind.

it's been a crazy year it really has. and im done. i did it. every single day i touched my camera and tried to make something meaningful even though it might not have always worked. i've been asked many times what i'd be up to now that my projects done. well i'll still be around for sure. i dont even know what's going to come next but that's the beautiful mystery of life - just falling into something you don't even know. i just want to take a break and take some time for myself, but one thing has been set in stone - i will never, ever stop taking photographs.

ps - i'd guess it'd be fair to tell you guys that nicole wu finished her 365 as well today. i dont even know how to describe her, that's how good she is, so if you've got some time it would mean so much to me if you checked out her stream and her project!

[1]365

[1]365
Originally uploaded by jason laucker

the seatbelts are on. it's speeding up.

here it goes.

populated but dead

so the new mini series i decided to do while on my vacation was based on minimalism and abstract views all around me. i have never done this before but i found out that i really liked it because i allowed myself to actually carefully study the environment around me for once, and for a place i dont live in - it was pretty interesting!

i went to hong kong for my break actually. and one thing that hong kong screams in your face is.. well you guessed it - PEOPLE! i decided to stay away from those kind of shots and actually attempt to take photos that included little to no human representation in them. what i thought in my mind was something like 'a populated but also dead city'.

the inspiration came to me after facing the people who lived there. it was so different from canada because it is like common courtesy to hold doors for people, say please and thank you, and give strangers smiles. as i tried to do all of those things in hk, believe it or not i actually got a few glares, and most people looked away like they didnt want to see me or couldnt see me. now that made me kind of mad at first but i guess i realized that it was their lifestyle. to shove in subways (or you really couldn't get anywhere, and this was so true because if you tried to be 'polite' and let people through, you'd never get on!), so hold the door for yourself and slip in, to be silent to the people around you... the list goes on.

i couldnt blame anyone and i didnt because they worn raised that way. its a way of life. in a densely populated place, you have to be aggressive or you wont get anywhere in life. i accepted the fact but continued to do my own thing... and surprisingly, i did get a few smiles, laughs, and nods from a few people!

So I figured...

I kind of forgot about this blog for a while, haha. I've been so caught up with school lately and just finished my last exam (literally!) - which means my summer is supposed to begin. But apparently not, because I have a week of summer school (to get ahead of course, failing courses aren't my thang). This means I'm not going to be completely free until next month or something...

I guess I'll talk about my latest photo - my week 8 for the 52 weeks project.

Like I probably said already, this photo was a huge step for me in my photography. Really, I've never done a photo where I showed so much skin, but this would have never worked with a shirt. There is just something about skin that makes a photo so raw and expressive. I hesitated a little bit, but I realized - why not try something new? It felt a little weird at first but it felt amazing after I did it - it was kind of like I pushed down a wall that limited what I was 'allowed' to do photographically. I'm glad I did it too, because this photo has been basically a story of my life.

Now onto the concept - as you all know I decided to title this photo 'an optimist'. I've always been the optimist in my family, mostly around school and around my friends. I decided to represent the optimism - all the happiness, joy, and bright ideas in the sunflower. In this photograph, I am inserting the sunflower into my back - and in a way you can see it as the sunflower (stem) becoming my spine. I know that the spine is one of the most important parts of the body in order for one to move, and I wanted to show the desire to move - to move up in a group of people, to go as high as possible and that would all depend on our spine. The flower blossoming near my head represents the positive thoughts that come out of being an optimist, and the muted blue tones represent a more depressed, sad kind of situation where one would need to be optimistic in order to move.

I certainly don't like to trapped in a sad, moody, gloomy situation - I always want to get out of it, make the best out of it and be glad that I did. Sometimes it means even if I stand out amongst others, get laughed at, or anything like that. I'd do it. It means a lot to me that I can put a part of my life and morals into a photograph and I'm glad some of you enjoy it. Like everything, some may not, and that's perfectly fine because one person I take photos for is myself.

That was really a mouthful for a photograph, hah. I really hope everyone enjoys their summer lots - make the best out of it!

And so the 52 weeks project begins...

I guess I can say I'm pretty content with my first upload, although it's not my best.

I seriously don't think I should care though, haha, because honestly, this project will be all about improving my photography. Trying new things, failing once in a while, but learning from my mistakes. And oh yeah, I have a couple of my good friends doing the project along with me, too. How great can it get?

Now I think I should start talking about my week 1 like I planned to...

A lot of people... like art with meaning. Pictures, paintings, drawings. Maybe even some music (the kinds with no lyrics...). I think these are so important, because sometimes you find yourself not being able to put your thoughts into words. You just can't - but when you've got a camera you know exactly what to do.

This is what I did for this picture, to be honest, and I really think most of you can relate to this.

We probably are either all in school, or have been to school. There have definitely been those times where you are piled up with homework and feel as horrible as hell. This is what I tried to portray in my week 1. There are a few things going on in this picture, including a boy in pyjamas (yes, pj's... don't be jealous) with a book in his face, and papers littered all around his chair and covering the windows.

I had to say my inspiration for this one came a bit from a picture by an amazing Flickr contact of mine named Rona Keller. She had a picture where a girl had a book in her face, and beautiful flowers blossomed all around her. I really liked this concept; I got it right away and couldn't resist faving it of course!

So, I wanted to try my own book-in-face picture. And here it is, in my week 1. Everything mainly revolves around the schoolwork and homework that stops you from viewing the beautiful world all around you - the papers on the window and the book in face. I had waited a while after school too for the right lighting - and yes, it's all natural. I made the only light source in this picture coming from the window because I wanted to show that there are beautiful things outside your 'box' - no matter if it is you doing homework, or you just being lazy. Light gives life and happiness, and that's what lays outside the window - however the light is being blocked by the papers; not to forget that there is already no way to view the world outside the window.

I know the last detail might be kind of insignificant, even maybe a little funny for the viewer - but to me it means more than anything. I wouldn't know about you, but I have spent countless nights on end before just trying to do homework and strive for those marks. Some nights I didn't even sleep. And it's safe for me to say that for all these nights I have been wearing pyjamas for basically no reason at all since I barely got to sleep.

And here is my week one. A boy in pyjamas, being blocked from seeing the beautiful world outside with all his endless schoolwork.

I am ready for week two.

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

I don't usually do it, but once you've done it and know for a fact that you've done it - it feels amazing. Today I went on a 'couple shoot' with my cousin and his fiancee, and I just want to say they were amazing to work with.

This morning I was so nervous before meeting them because I knew I had no ideas, and simply no inspiration for the shoot. I was basically panicking, frantically looking around for pictures that would inspire me, or asking people what I could do with a couple.

We ended up going to a large park and a beach to stroll around - and I basically put off my whole conceptual or posing pictures, and decided to go for the candid look, much inspired by the work of Lauren Marek. I'm glad I got to try out a new style of photography today, while playing around with a lively dog named Kimchi (cute eh?) and talking to these guys who are about to be married and have their lives changed in a few months.

Best of all, I have to say that I loved getting paid in the form of a Dairy Queen meal and an Oreo Blizzard. It just can't get better than that.

Killing Two Birds with One Stone

I actually don't even know why it sounds so funny and gruesome, but that's beside the point for this point.

Usually, I wouldn't count taking pictures and photography as "a bird" (to be killed, so actually the title doesn't work too well), but what I really meant to say was that I really love it when teachers give students the option to include whatever they want into a project/presentation. For me this usually is the artistic and the creative portion of the project. I like to do this because I just want to break the mold of the cliche stand up with a board and talk kind of presentation.

The project I wanted to talk about here today was a French project - something I haven't exactly grown to love but I made the choice to take it next year. For this particular project, we were supposed to re-enact a scene in a horror movie - either one of a movie or a made up one. Of course, there were the drama girls, and the super smart french guys, and they all had their ideas but photography just flew into my head. I could work on improving my photography (specifically with models) and processing while finishing a French project.

We did the shoot yesterday, and I loved it. Not so much the fact that our parents let us shoot in the middle of a school week, but the fact that we just got to go out in the nice weather and have fun and learn more about photography was phenomenal. I've always wanted to include photography in my school work and I guess I finally did it.

I kind of rambled on and I'll apologize, but I guess another point of this post would be - never hesitate to incorporate something you love into schoolwork. I know sometimes school is one thing at the bottom and the thing you love might be at the top, and it just cant go together. But don't forget that school is also a place to relax, have fun, while learning.